From Tolerated to Treasured: The Real Secret to Being Present

My kid was explaining Roblox lore for the third time this week. I was nodding. Making eye contact. Saying "uh huh" at the right beats. By every checklist, I was "present."

He still looked deflated when he walked away.

Kids pick up on more than words. They're watching whether you actually like being around them or you're just waiting for the interaction to end.

This YouTube video named the thing I'd been doing wrong:

This Is How Kids Learn They're Only Tolerated

Click below to load the embedded video.

Tolerate your kids and they learn their existence is something you manage. Like them and they learn they're someone you want around.

Tolerating vs. liking

Tolerating is checking the clock while they talk. Liking is asking what happens next.

Tolerating is half-answering from the couch while you scroll. Liking is putting the phone face-down and following up.

When I catch myself enduring their energy instead of enjoying it, the vibe in the room shifts the second I correct course. They feel it. I have three kids (ages 4, 5, and 6) and this is still what I mess up most at the end of a long day.

Small ways I try to show it

No grand gestures required. The proof is in the boring moments.

Undivided micro-moments As I wrote in one-on-one dates, you don't need a full Saturday. A $5 milkshake run with just one kid. Thirty minutes, one child, no siblings competing for attention. That's the whole message. I picked your company on purpose.
Their interests, even when they're not yours I don't love Roblox. I don't need to. I can still ask what they're building and mean it. Curiosity counts more than sharing the hobby.
Protect the boundaries Work and screens will eat family time if you let them. I wrote about this in parenting in the digital age. For us that means phones away at meals and no screens first thing in the morning. Small rule, big signal.

The honest part

Some days tolerating is the ceiling. I'm tired. They're loud. That's human.

But over time the default has to lean toward liking them. Laugh at the bad jokes. Get on the floor. Say out loud that you're glad they're yours, not just imply it.

A kid who grows up feeling liked has a much easier time liking themselves later. That part's worth the effort.

Tolerating vs. liking

Tolerating is checking the clock while they talk. Liking is asking what happens next.

Tolerating is half-answering from the couch while you scroll. Liking is putting the phone face-down and following up.

Small ways I try to show it

No grand gestures required. The proof is in the boring moments.

Undivided micro-moments As I wrote in one-on-one dates, you don't need a full Saturday. A $5 milkshake run with just one kid. Thirty minutes, one child, no siblings competing for attention. That's the whole message. I picked your company on purpose.

Their interests, even when they're not yours I don't love Roblox. I don't need to. I can still ask what they're building and mean it. Curiosity counts more than sharing the hobby.

Protect the boundaries Work and screens will eat family time if you let them. I wrote about this in parenting in the digital age. For us that means phones away at meals and no screens first thing in the morning. Small rule, big signal.

The honest part

Some days tolerating is the ceiling. I'm tired. They're loud. That's human.

But over time the default has to lean toward liking them. Laugh at the bad jokes. Get on the floor. Say out loud that you're glad they're yours, not just imply it.

A kid who grows up feeling liked has a much easier time liking themselves later. That part's worth the effort.