From Tolerated to Treasured: The Real Secret to Being Present
Why your kids know when you're just putting up with them, and how to genuinely show them that you like them.
2026-04-05
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Why your kids know when you're just putting up with them, and how to genuinely show them that you like them.
We've all been there: nodding along while our kid explains the intricate lore of their favorite video game, or smiling tightly as they show us their 400th drawing of a dinosaur. We're physically in the room, we're making eye contact, we're using the right affirmative grunts. By all accounts, we are "present."
But kids are incredibly perceptive. They aren't just listening to what we say; they're constantly evaluating how we feel about them. They are quietly deciding whether we actually like them, or if we're just tolerating them.
I recently watched a fantastic YouTube video perfectly articulating this subtle but profound difference:
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When we simply tolerate our kids, we teach them that their existence is a burden we manage. When we actively like them, we show them that they are a joy we choose.
This distinction completely reframes the idea of being present. It transforms parenting from a duty to be endured into a relationship to be enjoyed.
Tolerating looks like waiting for the interaction to end. Liking looks like leaning in.
Tolerating is multi-tasking while half-answering a question. Liking is putting the phone down and asking a follow-up.
When my kids are trying to connect with me, I try to remind myself of this shift. If I'm just putting up with their energy, they feel it. But when I actively decide to enjoy their quirky, loud, messy selves, the entire dynamic of the room changes.
You don't need grand gestures or expensive vacations to prove you enjoy your kids. The most convincing evidence is found in the small, everyday moments.
Here are a few ways I try to shift from tolerating to liking:
Undivided Micro-Moments As I wrote in a previous post, one-on-one dates don't have to be massive undertakings. A $5, 30-minute excursion to get a milkshake or run an errand with just one kid speaks volumes. It says, "I chose to spend this time with just you because I like your company."
Engage with Their Interests (Even If It's Not Yours) You don't have to love Roblox or Bluey, but you can love the fact that your kid loves them. Ask them genuine questions about what they're building or watching. Show curiosity.
Protect the Boundaries In our constantly connected world, it's easy to let work and screens bleed into family time. As I mentioned when writing about parenting in the digital age, putting the devices away—especially during meals or first thing in the morning—is a powerful way to show your kids that they are your priority.
Parenting is exhausting, and let's be honest, there are moments when tolerating is the absolute best we can do. That's okay. We are human.
But as a general trajectory, we have to make the conscious choice to like our kids. We have to laugh at their terrible jokes, get down on the floor to see their perspective, and let them know, explicitly and implicitly, that we are thrilled to be their parents.
Because at the end of the day, a child who feels genuinely liked will grow into an adult who genuinely likes themselves.